Mom life – breaking up with overeating.

“Most people have had times when they ate too much, especially during a special occasion or holiday. Binge eating disorder is different. You feel like you can’t stop, even if you’re already uncomfortably full. You may eat a lot, quickly, even if you’re not hungry. You feel ashamed about it. Unlike bulimia, you don’t try to make yourself throw up or exercise a lot after a binge…”

At least, this is a form of what it can look like for some people.

I remained positive all week & looked forward to getting back into routine after a couple crappy weeks. Today was supposed to be day one of making healthy choices. As my hubby went off to work for the night and I got my toddler ready for bed, all I could think about was how badly I wanted to order food. Pizza. Wings. Anything that would satisfy me. Anything that meant I didn’t have to cook & clean up. I managed to talk myself out of it, but still ate a ridiculous amount of nachos that I made at home.

Why do we do this to ourselves? Why can’t I have more will power? Why am I so out of control? I don’t understand how I can eat this crap KNOWING how it makes me feel afterward EVERY TIME.

Bloated, guilty, disgusting, depressed.

Soooo like i’ve said a thousand times before, Monday will be “Day One” again. Like a hundred Monday’s before. I’ll aim to make healthy choices and get to the gym 3-4 times a week. Until something happens to throw me off again. Sigh.

I tried to think of an incentive, something to motivate me a little. Ive mentioned before that i’m not only trying to get my eating habits/exercise routine under control but i’m also trying to make myself feel better in anyway possible. I’ve slowlyyyy been getting back into make up again. So, I signed up for Ipsy tonight! If you don’t know what ipsy is, it’s a monthly subscription that sends you make up samples & a cute travel bag. My theory is, it’ll be my “reward” for staying focused and staying on track. If I fall off the wagon hard, if i’m making bad choices, if i’m not stepping foot in the gym for weeks at a time, I have to cancel my subscription. It’s a little pact I made with myself.

I’m going to binge watch trashy reality TV to distract myself from the gross amount of carbs I just ate.

And remind myself that tomorrow is a new day.

Annnnd drink 6 gallons of water.

So I’m FINALLY feeling better.

After Two weeks of stomach bugs, headaches, nausea and just feeling awful I’m finally feeling “normal”. We just got back from visiting some friends (more like family) over the weekend and I’m feeling optimistic. Although it’s always a little sad to visit them (I was a close friend of their daughter who passed a few years ago from cancer) it’s always a super comfortable feeling to be around them, like being around my own family. It was also nice to get out of town for a few nights, do a little shopping (Costco!!!!❤️), eat at different restaurants, and take advantage of having a sitter! Date night! 🤗

I went to my therapy session yesterday and realized I am making small improvements. I had an amazing January, had a good gym routine going & my eating was on point. Lost some lbs. But then Life happened. obviously my routine went to crap when I felt awful for two weeks and then went out of town for 4 days. Normally I would feel soooo guilty about it. Beat myself up over it. “You ruined the amazing thing you had going! How could you do that?! Aughhh” but for once I feel Ok. It’s OK that I got thrown off. It’s ok that I probably gained a few lbs back. It’s ok that I didn’t work out for two weeks. I did my grocery run yesterday, have some of my meals planned out for the remainder of the week and plan on returning to the gym within a couple days. I’m ditching the scale until I’m back on the wagon for a few weeks. I feel like right now, in this moment, I have a healthy mindset about it. This can change at any time, but right now I’m staying positive.🤘🏼

So I’ve had a realization recently about one thing that has always contributed to my anxiety as well as self esteem/confidence issues, and that is that I never knew what to do with my life. Ive had two failed attempts at college. I was working an industrial sales desk job that I hated when I went on maternity leave three years ago. I’ve been home ever since. I love being a mom. I know that I’m so lucky and fortunate to be able to stay home and raise my little girl myself. To be able to go to music lessons, swimming lessons, drop in play centres on a daily basis. My husband works shift work so we spend half the summer camping. I know there are sooo many mothers who dream of being able to stay home and live this life. I do appreciate it and tell myself often how lucky & grateful I am to raise my baby and enjoy every day with her. But she is getting older. She will be 3 (3?!😲) in a few short months. It’s time to start thinking about what’s going to happen once she’s in school full time. We are still unsure when/if we want another baby. So I feel like it’s time for mommy to plan a career.

Today we went to view a preschool 🙈 she was SO excited about it. My little social butterfly often asks about school. I was against preschool at first, thinking I would enjoy this last year with her before sending her off to early entry next September. But if she was in this preschool for two hours a day, Monday – Thursday, that would be TWO hours per day I could have to do courses online OR attend a class at the local college. I’m going to visit the college here in the next couple of weeks and meet with an academic advisor so I can get more information on programs I’m interested in. I’ve always found making career decisions such a struggle. I did a semester of cooking school. A semester of hairstyling. I was attracted to hands on programs, obviously. But I’ve always had a interest in helping people. Either working in addictions or maybe social work. I think when I was young I didn’t have the courage to apply to university. I struggled with math & science in high school and feared I wouldn’t succeed at a university level. Now that I’m pushing 30 (😬) I’m starting to feel like it’s now or never. The thought of going back to a job I can’t stand when my daughter is in school full time in a few years makes me want to vomit. I’ve devoted the last three years to being a mom to her and it’s time to think about myself & my future. I know it will be a huge commitment and my hands will be full between preschool drop offs, school courses, her extra curricular activities, gym workouts, etc etc etc. I know the first month I’ll probably be a bundle of anxious nerves At the thought of leaving her for two hours each day, but that’s inevitable. For those of you who completed post secondary and are now working in your career choice, how did you know what you wanted to do for the rest of your life? Did any of you go to school part time while being a stay at home mom? What would you have done differently?