The backstory.

You don’t know me, but i’m sure we have similarities. If you stumbled upon my blog, I bet you were searching blogs with the word “binge” in it. See, i’ve been where you are right at this moment. Feeling out of control, overweight, and unhappy. Not understanding why you feel so out of control. Searching online for answers, searching for someone that’s in the same position as you.

A few short months ago I had a realization. It took over 15 years (FIFTEEN!) of yo-yo dieting, restricted diets of losing 30-50 lbs in just a few months, gaining that amount of weight in a few months, eating once a day & going to the gym 6-7 days a week OR eating enough for 10 people in one sitting and getting zero exercise… it took FIFTEEN years for me to realize I have a problem. That yo-yoing back and forth to these extremes is NOT normal. That I have an extremely unhealthy relationship with food. That i’m either all in & completely obsessed with losing weight OR binging on unhealthy food and feeling disgusting & guilty.

This past fall, I went through a dark time that lasted several months. Something (still unsure what exactly) through me off. I’m pretty sure I went through some form of postpartum depression, two years late. I love being a mommy to a hilarious, gorgeous, silly toddler. But somewhere between August and September I lost myself and I fell deeper into this rut as fall went on. I lost all motivation. I became that mom who put any bit of energy she could muster up into her child & stopped taking care of herself. I went from being outgoing to a shut in. I wanted to stay home. I hated the thought of getting ready. My self esteem plummeted. Whenever I was home alone late at night I would binge eat. Binging would help distract me from feeling anxious. It made me temporarily feel better. The weight that I had worked SO hard to lose and keep off for a year piled back on in just a few months. My skin was horrid, I had breakouts every other day. I felt grumpy or emotionless most of the time. I was getting panic attacks again after not having one for several years. One day I just lost it. It was a somewhat stressful day at home with my toddler who I was potty training. I had so much built up over the past few months I was at my breaking point. I had to put her down for a nap because I NEEDED a mental break and felt the attack coming on. While she was sleeping I burst into tears. I felt extremely anxious, my chest felt tight, then I just couldn’t stop crying. My other half called me in the middle of this and as soon as he heard me on the other end of the phone he left work to come home immidiately (thank god he is in my life).  I knew after this happened that it was time to do something, I had to do something. I went to see my doctor & he decided after 4 years of being medication free it would be a good idea to put me back on a low dose of meds to treat my anxiety. Something to give me a boost & get some motivation back.

As December approached I started getting in the Christmas spirit which brought me back to myself somewhat. Except of course with Christmas comes food and LOTS of it. I overate the entire month of December. Cookies on cookies on cookies. Carbs on top of carbs on top of cheese on carbs. So once Christmas was over, I fell back into the pit I had been in all fall. but because I was back on meds, I was thinking a little clearer. I knew I could no longer mope around the house and feel sorry for myself. I knew it was time to do Something beyond a new years resolution that I would eventually fall off of some time in 2018. My doctor referred me to the free mental health clinic. I went there for an assessment and for the first time I was really honest with myself as well as the counsellor who was asking me 5000 questions. I actually said the words “I Binge”. She referred me to a therapist at the mental health branch at our local hospital. I’ve had two appointments thus far. Our sessions focus on goals for myself & making a realistic plan of how to achieve them. Breaking old habits. Stopping this cycle of yo-yoing. creating REALISTIC goals for myself instead of goals that I couldn’t ever keep up with for the rest of my life. Going to the gym 3 times a week instead of 7 so I don’t beat myself up if I miss a day. Small goals that can easily be accomplished each week which add up in the long run. It’s a start, I have to start somewhere right?

Aside from dipping my toes into seeking help for THIS problem for the first time, i’m trying to overall put an effort into taking better care of myself. Doing whatever I need too to make myself feel good. I’ve started a new skincare routine and my skin has improved tremendously. I tested out new make up and basically purchased a new face, but I FEEL SO MUCH BETTER leaving the house and looking like my old self again. I’m reading “The ripple effect” by Greg Wells. I just finished the first chapter on sleep & how important sleep is for your body. How important it is to get enough sleep because it relates to everything else in your day to day life. Throughout the depressive spell I had recently I really struggled with falling asleep and i’m learning tips on falling asleep from this book.

For the past month i’ve been trying SO HARD not to binge. For the most part i’m eating a low carb & low sugar diet. I’m not counting macros. I’m not following some crazy restrictive diet. I’m just trying to eat a lot of veggies. protein. Some fruit & dairy. drink a ton of water. I guess it would be similar to a lazy keto diet. I’ve lost 13 lbs in the past month. My clothes aren’t tight anymore. I feel less bloated. I am feeling a bit better about myself. HOWEVER, I still have cravings. I still have nights where I want to binge. I still want sugar. If I have a lick of something “bad” I get the guilt that comes with it.  I have NO idea if the way I’ve been eating will work for me in the long run. I saw my doctor again this week, he sent off a referral for me to see a dietician. Maybe she will want to set me up with a meal plan? Maybe she thinks a keto-ish diet is a horrible idea for someone like me?

Anyway, now that you’re pretty well caught up on the downward spiral of myself, i’ll leave this first post at that. I plan to use this blog to share my journey throughout this process of “breaking the cycle.” Hopefully finding answers on how to treat this uncontrollable horrible obsession. I plan on being honest about my challenges and treatment along the way.

X O

– A

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